“We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity in freedom.” -Anne Morrow Lindbergh
That’s one of my favorite quotes. I think a lot about ebb and flow.
I got dumped this week. I realize that using the word “dumped” is harsh, but it so perfectly describes how i felt at that moment. I was just weighing someone down. I didn’t fight it or argue it. I just accepted it. Trying to fight a break up usually leads to me begging and them saying hurtful things that echo in my head for years. So, i accepted it… however, “accepted” is a strong word. I feel as though it didn’t fully sink in yet. It’s tough to fully accept change when so much around you stays the same. I’m still surrounded by his belongings, people are still asking me “how’s Rory?“, and i’m still sleeping in the tshirts he left behind. I think my inability to accept change is probably a self-defense mechanism that will eventually backfire during an evening of excessive wine and whine. Right now it’s almost like i’m subconsciously waiting for an “Oops, i made a mistake, my bad” phonecall. In my experience, that happens. That won’t happen this time. There was no mistake.
Not everyone views long distance relationships in the same light i do. Every time someone goes away, i think of it as an opportunity to work through my own baggage. I try to guess what changes they would want from me. I ALWAYS try to lose weight, because, let’s face it, fat is my Achilles heel… and maybe even Achilles cankle. But i always enjoy the anticipation of their return. It’s like a neverending chance to start fresh. Plus, this time around, i was actually proud of myself for being so secure and trusting, rather than the crazy girlfriend who calls passive aggressively at all hours wanting to know where you are (…not that i’ve ever done that….). I guess that means i’ve matured?? But the fact still remains that it’s tough for some people to feel tied down, particularly if they feel tied to a relationship that currently has more ebb than flow. If it looks like there might be some other flow coming in further down the shore, it’s best to make a run for that tide, just in case. I may have just overused that analogy, but my point is this: I get it. And the age difference might not seem like much, but it’s certainly enough to distinguish between those who will to work to build relationships and those who thrive off of new ones.
So…. now what?…. I dunno. I’m still working on that part. It feels weird. Sort of surreal. Tears come and go. Regret comes and goes. However, i did receive some great advice from ‘Dr. Denise’ that kept me from working on the neverending compilation of “Things Carrie Did Wrong”… at least for now. Instead, i’m oddly comforted by the fact that no one has ever dumped me without later realizing that I’M FUCKING AWESOME. <—-This is a fact. I should have them write recommendation letters.
Both of them.
Unless that would be weird.
That might be weird.