awesome?

An old high school friend posted this status update today:

“I may not be perfect or have the perfect body but one day some guy will appreciate me for me and will be lucky to have a woman like me to love and who loves him because… I AM AN AWESOME WOMAN, I have a great sense of humor, positive attitude, I have a job, huge heart and I’m a great mom!!! So those guys that are looking for the perfect woman with a perfect body you don’t deserve a woman like ME!!!”

I see updates like that all day (oddly enough they are most common among those who attended high school in Cabarrus county). They all start with making an excuse about appearance, but then continue by naming qualities that the woman feels are far more admirable. I do have some of those good qualities she listed… like… a job. Personally, i think that the fact that i’m NOT a great mom makes me an even easier sell.

But if i REALLY want to be an “AWESOME WOMAN”, how do i accomplish that? I don’t know. So…. I Googled it. How to be an awesome woman. Yep. Here’s what i discovered…

This first one is a great list that is fairly comprehensive of all answers found in women’s literature, rather it be self-help books or magazines.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF BEING AN AWESOME WOMAN:

  1. Thou shall look in the mirror once in awhile and say, “damn girl, looking good these days!”
  2. Thou shall give hobbies a try
  3. Thou shall not judge or insult other women
  4. Thou shall not obsess and chase after men, let them come to you
  5. Thou shall live passionately and freely
  6. Thou shall let go of grudges
  7. Thou shall not obsess over body weight
  8. Thou shall always remember good qualities about yourself
  9. Thou shall put time aside to relax
  10.  Thou shall love thyself, always

I…. am not good at ANY of these things, particularly 3, 7, & 10.

When conferring with men’s magazines, it gave a much more clear objective on how to accomplish being an awesome woman:

        1. Enjoy blow jobs.

I… am not sure i should even comment on this… at all…. hi…. mom.

And for those churchies who may be wondering, Proverbs 31 didn’t rank high on the Google scale of female awesomeness, however i do feel that it would go along with all of the above, as well. I’ve always felt like Proverbs 31 was a little prejudice against single women. All the “her husband this” and “her husband that“. Honestly, it doesn’t really pertain directly to me, does it? Perhaps it’s because single women didn’t exist back then… or maybe it’s just the king’s way of being a jerkface.

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
(this is true)
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
(    …jerkface)
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
(i do try to be as harmless as possible)
She selects wool and flax
(i like wool coats and flax chips)
and works with eager hands.
(eager and crafty)
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
(late night Taco Bell drive thru counts, right?)
She gets up while it is still night;
(whaaaaaat???? now you’re making stuff up)
she provides food for her family
(i am the queen of dips)
and portions for her female servants.
(as if)
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
(i have a potted plant)
She sets about her work vigorously;
(i do)
her arms are strong for her tasks.
(eh)
She sees that her trading is profitable,
(i’m ALL ABOUT some trade)
and her lamp does not go out at night.
(Nightlight. Always.)
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
(can we just update this reference to a Singer?)
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
(i give money to everyone who asks just because i can’t say NO)
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
(i wear a lot of red and would encourage this for others)
She makes coverings for her bed.
(if by “make” you mean “buys at Target”)
etc… etc… etc…

Cliff’s Note version of Proverbs 31:

Support. Provide. Love others. Love God….and wear red.

I think this version wins first place… with an honorable mention on the blow jobs.

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