“Wow, Carrie. You sure are blogging a lot right now.”
That’s me voicing your thoughts. There are a couple of reasons for that. The first one obviously being that, since my outlet for sharing resigned (without 2 weeks notice, i might add), i haven’t really found another place to concentrate everything.
The second reason is of course the therapy aspect, due to previously mentioned resignation. I know i have friends i could talk to, but i don’t want to make anyone feel cornered into listening. If i call you up and start to purge, you’re going to eventually reach the point where you mute the phone and begin playing angry birds. …Can you do that? Can you play a game while having a phone call?… Or if i meet you for drinks and start rambling on and on and on, you’re just going to try and dull my pain with another drink and then i’ll end up wasted and crying and demanding you drive me to Waffle House for some topped hashbrowns and dry toast. It becomes a very time consuming venture.
If i blog, then you don’t have to listen. You can turn away at any time. In fact, you don’t even have to subscribe on WordPress or click the Facebook link. You can ignore every WordPress post i make, just like i ignore your Farmville addiction. Facebook is nice that way. I also try not to keep tally on how many times my blog is viewed in any given day, simply because then i know how many people care. I’d rather not. I got really excited on November 1st when i had 65 views… but then November 2nd had a whopping 7. With one post, i had single handedly turned off 58 people. That was not encouraging. Those 58 people would not have accompanied me to Waffle House.
But there are at least 7 of you who kept reading. Maybe you are a genuinely good friend… or maybe you’re just slowing down to see if you can get a glimpse of any carnage. Either way, you’re listening and i appreciate that.
I’ve regressed quite a bit today and i’m not even sure why. I’ve just been repeating all the magic “IF‘s”. IF i showed i cared… IF i gave 100%… IF i hadn’t been so insecure about it… IF i had prayed more… IF i was more attentive… IF i had encouraged communication… IF i looked like a supermodel and were so good looking that no man could ever walk away from me without being ridiculed for his lack of manhood by all of his peers… *sigh* There are many IF’s to consider. I even toyed with the IF i had immediately driven that 12 hours to where he was currently working and demanded a reconsideration, but i got the feeling it wasn’t that simple on that end either. And man, that dejected drive home would have suuuuucked. And then i would have to forever be labeled as cRaZy. Beside, that wasn’t even what i wanted….
…well, ok, so it’s safe to say i had no clue what i wanted. But a second year of being discouraged from visiting him while away was NOT something i would have been able to handle either. I had spent almost an entire year coming to terms with the fact that he must just be ashamed of me… and then, somewhere along the way, i accepted that. WHO ACCEPTS THAT?! Right or wrong, it influenced everything about my reactions from that point on. I somehow felt it was safer to just assume that and move on than to challenge it by starting a line of conversation that might end it all.
And that acceptance is probably what drove the whole thing into the ground anyway. Way to assume the worst and let it beat you down. Smooth, Carrie. Reeeeal, smooooth.