There is a current trend on my social networking site of choice that has people posting each day what they are THANKFUL for. Some list several thanks, others limit themselves to 1 thank each day, and some have even aligned each day of the month with a specific letter of the alphabet that limits their scope of thankfulness.
I haven’t done any of that. I considered it. I kept thinking, “Oh, a month of thankfulness. That sounds nice.” But i always had too many other things to say and, believe it or not, i DO try to limit excessive Facebook posting. So now it’s 2 days before Thanksgiving and i sat here to begin cramming all of my thanks into one blog. A CORNUCOPIA OF THANKFULNESS!!!!
….but…. now that i’m here, i’m honestly having a tough time. It’s not that i don’t know how lucky i am. I do. I can be actively thankful… but that doesn’t mean that i feel that particular emotion. Tonight, i was driving from work to the home where i’m cat-sitting and i began crying. Despite some pretty whine-tastic posts over my past month of singledom, my crying has been limited. Tonight’s purge has been a long time coming. But, as i was crying, i lost sight of lines on the highway. I saw my exit ahead and the car on my tail, but i couldn’t quite judge the degree of that curve through my tears. There was that surreal moment where i wasn’t sure i could keep my car on the road. I put my foot on the break as slow and steady as i could, but i still felt as though the rain and tears had created conditions too hazardous for me to survive. I felt completely out of control.
As you may have guessed, i lived.
Life. What a weird chain of events it is.
Just before i left work tonight, someone asked, “What are your Thanksgiving plans?”, so i explained the situation. I think that’s what prompted the waterworks.
Other than family, few people know that my grandmother may soon be passing. It’s hard to believe that i’ve made it 36 years without losing a close relative or friend, but it’s true. My grandmother, Hattie Pauline Cranford (Polly), doesn’t have many lucid hours right now, but Thanksgiving day will be the first time i’ve seen her since her fall, which began this downward spiral 3 weeks ago. I can’t even begin to tell you how nervous i am about that. I’m honestly just not sure how i will react. If tonight’s episode was any indication of what’s to come, then i may just make the situation worse. My grandmother is a 90 year old me. We’re probably more alike than i even care to admit. And when you see photos of her as a young woman, it is clear that i am her granddaughter. Last year, we took my grandmother to look at Christmas lights at one of those over-lit holiday attractions and i realized that i knew so little about her. I began asking questions about her holidays as a child and she actually stopped bickering with my father long enough to sincerely enjoy sharing those stories.
But, even in this sadness, i can’t stop my own selfish pity.
I thought that house-sitting would have its usual effect of feeling like a vacation…. but it’s not. It’s amplifying my loneliness. I am currently experiencing an 11 on the Nigel Tufnel scale of loneliness amplification. Last year, i got snowed in here on Christmas night and i had to wait a couple of days before the weather allowed the boy to come and see me. I was so happy when he got here. In my own home, i’ve recovered my comfort zone, but here….. well… it just feels… not good. Plus, it’s going to take me forever to remember how to get netflix on the xbox.
I “unfriended” him this week. And, just for the record, it’s hella tough to unfriend someone without going to their page! I just couldn’t deal with him popping up every time i typed in “Ro…” when looking for my father. Eventually, he might even have another girl in his pic. A girl that he’s not ashamed to have in his profile pic. ( <——-ugh. If you weren’t ALREADY cutting your wrists from reading this blog entry, i bet that was the deciding factor.) It’s also better that he not experience the constant stream of bipolar status updates: “I hate life” “I love life” “I need to get a life”, etc…
HOLY #*($&@!!!!!!!!!!! WHO MAKES THEIR COMPUTER ANNOUNCE THE TIME OUTLOUD AT EVERY HOUR?!?!?!! I swear, every time i house sit here, this computer gives me hypertension.
Enough about that.
I’ll be thankful later. Right now, i’m just going to be sad.