As Tennessee Ernie Ford might say, Carrie is a wicked city woman.

On Sunday, i went prop shopping for the upcoming show CHAPS! A JINGLE JANGLE CHRISTMAS.

Insert plug…

…aaaaaaand there it is.

I needed a duck call, an owl call, and a coyote call. Until i googled it, i had no clue that owl and coyote were even an option, but luckily all three could be found at the Bass Pro Shop.

Let us first talk a little about what one might see at a Bass Pro Shop….



….waaaaait for iiiiiiit…..

I feel as though these gentleman could have possibly been the ones stalking me for several aisles, assuredly admiring my purdy mouth.

Judging by the lines which were gathered by the glass cases in the rear of the store, everyone in Cabarrus County is receiving a gun for Christmas. Guns make me nervous. I don’t care if they are rifles or handguns, they always attract someone who wants to feel a sense of power. Sometimes that power is one of defense and self-preservation, and other times it’s one of taking out Bambi. Either way, i feel it’s a power play that i don’t want to participate in. But since the items i was looking to purchase are considered HUNTING GEAR, rather than SFX GEAR, I knew i had to become a part of that power hungry crowd.

From the moment i walked through that door, i felt singled out. I know i’ve been in Bass Pro years ago, but i don’t remember it being quite so very different from society as a whole. I know you’re going to think i’m exaggerating when i say this, but i’m not… Almost every male under the age of 30 was wearing a camo ball cap. I kid you not. They traveled primarily in groups of 3-4. Often accompanied by a female of the species wearing heavy foundation, too much mascara, and no lip color of any kind. In fact, i can not be certain that the females even had lips.

It was a strange phenomenon. For sure.

I spent nearly 30 minutes debating the duck, owl, and coyote calls. The store appeared to be short handed, so i was left to my own devices. In my uneducated mind, i assumed they worked like a whistle. Y’know, just put your lips together and blow?? NOT SO. These instruments take extensive training and technique. As i stood contemplating the predatory call of the female coyote, 3 young men approached the aisle. I could overhear the conversation as they got closer. I wish i could relay that conversation for you here, but alas, it was in a lingo i could not comprehend… though i’m fairly certain i did hear the little one say, “Shipoopi follicle.”   I. Don’t. Know.

After a few moments, i realized that these gentlemen were well-versed in the art of luring animals to their death by use of seductive sounds, so i decided to seek their advise. The big one was standing close by…

“Excuse me, i know NOTHING about hunting stuff. Can i ask you a question?”

He directed his eyes to my chest, his face turned red, and he backed away. The little one intervened. Apparently i approached the one fella whose social skills were not up the task of talking to a woman. After getting a little advice and being directed to the “water fowl room”, i found all of the items i needed. And $30 later i have 3 completely useless whistles that take a rocket scientist to use. A rocket scientist who wears a camo cap and can’t talk to women. But he CAN communicate using the 8 toned call of the barred owl, which, by the way, is a task conquered by holding the whistle in a very specific manner and rounding your lips as you blow out while saying….

“Who… Who cooks for… Who cooks for you?”

I seriously feel like that might be in a David Bowie song, but see for yourself….

If nothing else, that owl is definitely British and of unidentifiable sexuality, but i would like this clip better if Ricky Gervais voiced the owl.

All in all, i think it’s safe to say that hunting is not a sport i’ll be picking up later in life. I’ll definitely have more luck with being a wicked city woman. I just need to work on my vamping skillz:

Well, i’ll be ding donged. <—This takes on a totally different feel when typed out, doesn’t it?


One response

  1. You are awesome. I wish I could have been there. In my camo cap.

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