tragic

I might be feeling a little overdramatic today.

TRAGEDY #1:

THE PRODUCE DEPARTMENT AT FOOD LION. If you don’t live in Food Lion territory, you’ll never fully appreciate this tragedy. You’ll just have to trust me that the avocados are never ripe, the lettuce is always wilting, and there is always an odor vaguely reminiscent of a freshly bathed St Bernard.

TRAGEDY #2:

Jeremy Sisto as Jeremy Sisto…


Jeremy Sisto as Jesus Christ…

Ethnicity be damned.

TRAGEDY #3:

“I found these panties in my house and they ain’t even mine!”

That IS tragic. This must be the most commonly used phrase on Maury Povich, right after “The lie detector determined…” and “You ARE/ARE NOT the father” and “I got that hickey from the dog!”. But i feel the greater tragedy might be that there are a lot of women out there who are obviously spending excess amounts of income replacing missing underwear. This is a financial burden i could not imagine bearing. Who among you is willing to help these women with this overwhelming expense? Maybe panties should be WIC approved.

TRAGEDY #4:

The tragedy here is that this New Zealand commercial caused an uproar and was pulled after being labeled as “transphobic”. If the assumption is that this person is a male-female transgender, then i must conclude that no one ever taught them how to NOT look like a drag queen. I think the reason i’m upset with the opposition to this ad is for this reason: There are some things that male to female transgenders have on their sides, such as legs far better looking than my own. Let me have ownership of tampons. It’s the least you can do, really. This commercial is not for you. It is for me… or rather the New Zealand equivalent of me… which i can only assume looks like this…

TRAGEDY #5:

GETTING DUMPED IN THE FALL.

It sucks because it’s getting close to the holiday season, so everything is already all sappy…. but then…. right about the time you think you’re gonna make it…. BAM! VALENTINE’S DAY smacks you right IN THE FACE!

TRAGEDY #6-8:

TRAGEDY #9:

TEBOWING???? <—-I use question marks because i’m still unsure about the use of such a verb. Whether it be a verb or a proper noun, i hope it will soon be a past participle. There appears to be a fine line between sharing your faith and using your faith as a marketing techique. I think somebody just Tebowed their way over that line. But it’s ok. Christianity needs a hero now and then. And Jeremy Sisto just didn’t make the cut. Praying behind closed doors, as Jesus suggests in Matthew 6, doesn’t necessarily have a literal meaning. This is true. But it is pretty clear that personal agenda may be what separates the wheat from the chaff… and i think when that prayer involves a football, there’s a whole lot of ‘chaffing’ going on.

TRAGEDY #10:

I have my second sinus infection of the winter season. I’m about to bypass the antibiotics and try some hippie shit, as suggested by some very reliable hippies. I don’t usually have repeat performances with my yearly sinus infection. I’m blaming it on the weather. I need some ice and snow, or at least some significant frost, to come and kick some of these allergens out of the air.

Also, i need you to come to my house and take down my brittle deathtrap of a Christmas tree. Kthx.

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