not in Kansas anymore

My life has been pretty morbid as of late, so inevitable death has been a recurring theme in my daily thoughts. I’ve had some dreams i’d rather not even recreate here, but the most significant jolted me awake with the thought that my brother was gone. In the moments when i woke, my first thought was…

“I understand why people kill themselves. I understand why they just can’t handle the pain of loss.”

That’s the emo in me breaking through. Of course, after a few moments, i composed my thoughts a bit. But that underlying morbid idea of death was still looming in the air.

For someone who is overweight, i’ve always been pretty healthy. So when i began having spells a few weeks ago that left me feeling as though a stroke was imminent, it was not something i was ready for. A strange tingling feeling inside my head, intense heart palpitations, dizziness, inability to concentrate, facial numbness, thick tongue, and a terrifying cold clammy rush through my entire body. These spells didn’t last too long. Just long enough to scare the bejesus out of me. After a couple of weeks and a few instances of nearly calling 911, i finally made it to the doctor. He suggested an EKG and some blood work to begin ruling out possibilities. The very next day, the results were in:

“Well, you’re healthy. Could be an anxiety disorder”.

The good news is that there is nothing physically wrong with me.

The bad news is that there is something mentally wrong with me.

I’ve never had experience with anxiety. I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I’m actually a little angry that, of all the times in my life when tragedy was afoot, THIS is the instance that anxiety decides to kick in. When you’re anxious, you need someone to calm you down… but… not having someone to calm me down seems to be the only viable reason i’m anxious. Vicious cycle.

I felt as though i’ve been doing pretty well over the months since my breakup. It may not seem that way to those whose only interaction with me is this whiny blog, but i don’t speak of it in my daily life and i don’t let it affect my daily interactions. This is merely the overspill. Besides, it says it right there at the top of the page:

A LITTLE WHINE and a lot of cheese.

So it’s not like you didn’t know what you were getting into here. It’s not like that time you bought that old cheesy vhs at the Dollar Tree and brought it home only to discover it was actually softcore porn, but then you and your friend watched the whole thing anyway because it was hysterically terrible. Not that that ever happened…

In short, apparently suppression is not healthy after a breakup. Who knew? I felt like i just had to wait it out. Just wait for it to pass and then i’d be just fine. I figured i would hold out, eventually talk things through, and get closure some time later… like when he’s walking through the valley of the shadow of death and there is much gnashing of teeth. Some days i do want to vent all my anger and pain, but i don’t want to say anything i might regret, RIGHT? …uh oh… did you see that? Did you see what i just said? What makes me think i’m going to regret airing out the truth? Yep. There it is. Denial.

So, in conclusion, everytime i start to fall asleep, i jolt awake and think i’m dying. It’s the opposite of  soothing. I see the doctor once more in a couple of weeks to see how i’m doing and if medication is needed and blahblahblah. I really don’t want to rely on medication, so i’m hoping this ends just as abruptly as it began. Like, now. Now would be good.

In the meantime, the whole ordeal has definitely been enough to scare me into some life changes. The days of feeling invincible are over. Maybe these panic attacks are a blessing in disguise. Maybe this will startle me awake. Maybe i’ll begin seeing things in a whole new light. Maybe the world will seem more colorful again.

I’ll miss you, diet Mountain Dew. I’ll miss you evening wine. Venti iced coffee w/soy, i think i’ll miss you most of all.


5 responses

  1. Anxiety can be a motherfucker. Check out to see how Jenny deals with her issues of anxiety and depression. Maybe a giant metal chicken will help. Hope it gets better soon.

    1. I LOVE THE GIANT METAL CHICKEN! But i think that’s the only blog of her’s i’ve ever read. Thanks for reminding me to check back in with her.

  2. Im a “suppressor’ too. I bottle everything up and keep my feelings to my self… except to complain every once in a while, but I never find positive ways to “get it out”. I guess I dont know how. But anyways, I wanted to say that Ive been dealing with the “anxiety/heart palps/strokey feeling” for a loooooong time. AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU YOU’RE NOT CRAZY! It started out the same way with me as you described, but my EKG was all goofy and they kept me in the cardiac ward for a few days and I got to experience that wonderful procedure they call a “heart cath”. Theres nothing like laying a naked fat guy on a cold metal table while a doctor and his harem of nurses run a tube into his groin. If youve ever had that “Oh my god, IM NAKED” dream, just imagine that, but REAL. (or surreal) . Turned out there was nothing abnormally physically wrong (advised to lose weight, avoid caffiene and salt) so i ignored it for a few years until it got so bad I was sure that I was having “The Big One” and they hauled me out of work in a stretcher. After several tests and a small fortune in doctor bills, I wasnt diagnosed with anything serious (PVC’s), so for several years after that, I went on believing that I’m bat-shit crazy and causing my own anxiety….which only intensified my heart palp/dizzy problem so I couldnt relax. Thats when i went to a heart specialist that basically told me that I have alot of changes to make. I take pills to control the heart palps (doesnt stop em) and a pill for high blood pressure (cause im a fatty), but the biggest change I had to make is to stop worrying about things that i couldnt control. STOP WORRYING. BTW… this problem can also be hereditary, so ask your family members if theyve had this before or if Great Aunt so-and-so had “the spells”.

    1. Thanks, Glenn. I actually did find out that my father has had some anxiety issues, as well as regular heart palps. Luckily, all my physical tests came back great. I mean, i obviously need to lose weight, but my blood pressure, cholesterol, n’ stuff are all in great shape.That cath sounds awkward and terrifying. My most awkward moment was when the nurse was attaching the EKG and complimenting my breasts. Awwwkwaaaard.

  3. I want you to know I think you’re great! And I’m glad you’re sharing about this on the blog. And you can call me when you need someone to help you feel less anxious 🙂 I hope you know you matter a lot to a lot of people and above all else, keep being honest.

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