If you read my last entry, you know by now that i am losing my sanity bit by bit. If you didn’t read it…. it was about puppies.
In an effort to lessen my anxiety, i’ve taken to the following habits:
- Spending time on the treadmill each day- Exercise is good for stress, plus running is a good way to get some anger out.
- Cutting out caffeine- Technically speaking, decaf coffee still has caffeine, but i won’t tell anyone if you won’t. All other caffeine is OUT.
- Trying to cry when i need to- If i feel like crying, i just cry.
- Cutting out alcohol- Well… mostly.
- Smiling- Even if i don’t feel like it, smiling has an effect on those around you.
- Girly stuff- pedicures, bubble baths, fun eyeliner, fixing my hair, shaving my legs.
- Crushing the hopes and dreams of children- yes.
Yesterday, i was in the Target parking deck. This is an event that happens on a near daily basis, but never before was i greeted with such an awesome shopping experience before ever even setting foot inside the store. As i made my way through the parked cars, i found myself behind a young mother and her 5-year-old daughter. The mother was laughing as i approached and i’m certain she must have assumed the smile on my face was a sign that i was listening in on their conversation as well. It was not. (Please refer to # 5) The mother turned to me and began a conversation that was much more than i had bargained for with my smile.
“This must sound like a crazy conversation! She just found out that mothers breastfeed their babies and now she has all kinds of questions.”
And the little girl piped in…
“Does she carry the milk in bags in her boobies? Does it go bad? If you don’t put milk in the refrigerator, it goes bad, right? Ewwww.”
Those seemed like pretty legit questions to me. The mother answered her… and me… as if i TOO were questioning this logic. I was now a part of this conversation. There was no backing out now.
“No honey, the mommy keeps the milk warm for the baby. Babies like warm milk.”
Again the young girl…
I pretty much echoed her sentiments. It made me think of people who heat up milk to make them sleepy. That’s gross. As a child, when i could not sleep, my grandmother would give me pecans, cheddar cheese, and ice water. Years later, when i had the internet to answer all of life’s questions, i found that to be a complete fabrication. She was merely feeding me what she had available. But it’s too late now. I’m hopelessly conditioned to become sleepy. Sometimes, i still partake in this midnight snack as i drift to sleep cursing my grandmother’s filthy lies.
Where was i….? Ah, yes… discussing boobs in a parking lot with a 5-year-old.
As we reached the storefront, the conversation took a turn as the mother informed me…
“Just last week we found out that babies come out of your v’hoohoo.”
Now, i can’t actually be sure that i have spelled that correctly. It may be the VA-HOO-HOO or possibly even VHE-HOO-HOO. Either way, i like the fact that it begins with “V”. That way it gives some anatomical truth to the hoohoo. That “V” is very important. And if you live in Charlotte, you probably already know where to get your “V” cleaned…
…or altered. Because i can’t tell you how many times i’ve needed my “V” hemmed. The girl then proclaimed …..
“I don’t want a baby to come out of my v’hoohoo! I bet it hurts!”
To which i quickly chimed in…
“I BET IT DOES!”
She seemed almost startled by my immediate reaction and i’m sure that, for one small moment, i frightened that child into praying for a barren life. (Please refer to #7) It was clear this little girl had a lot of questions and her mother was doing her best to answer them. As she went for the shopping carts and i went toward the hand baskets, we parted ways and i wished her…
“Good luck with that.”