Before you read this blog entry, there is something i have to say…
I’m a girl, y’ know.
(This photo is from my “Homeless O’Keeffe Collection”. Also known as the “Carrie Fifty Pounds Ago Collection”.)
The conclusion that i’m female should really go without saying, since my boobs are obviously trying to take over the free world by means of domination. However, for the past couple of years, i have felt far too masculine. According to a rather frightening photo editing software, this is what that would look like:
(The good news is that ‘MAN ME’ seems to be less of a chubbo. The bad new is that my Monroe makes me look totes gaaaay. …oh wait… maybe that’s good news too…)
A great deal of this testosterrific feeling was brought on by what most would consider to be completely ridiculous ideals about gender roles, but that doesn’t change how it affects me. There is something psychologically pleasing about classic gender roles to me. I know we live in an age when that type of thinking is considered limiting and sometimes even offensive to those whose sexuality falls outside of tradition, but that doesn’t change the fact that, in my romantic relationship, i like men to be men and women to be women. My most recent relationship left me feeling like a convenient amorphous blob, rather than a woman.
(Merely a dramatic reenactment starring….a….i don’t know… maybe… a Middle Eastern…. West Indian boy?)
In the distant past, i remember having to tell my boyfriends to stop opening the car door for me, because it was too time consuming and was a waste of energy on me. At least, that’s how my conscious self felt. My subconscious, however, was filing that away as something a gentleman does for a lady. Things like opening doors, offering to drive, paying for a date, bringing flowers, or planning a surprise are all things that are completely unnecessary… but they are apparently also ways in which i measure my worth. Stupid, right? My worth is in no way defined by someone else’s lack of chivalry, nor am i even the type of girl who requests those things, but being treated like a lady from time to time goes a long way to making me feel feminine. Don’t say that to my face though, because i will deny it. And i will cut you. But perhaps i want some of those things more than i let on. Don’t get the wrong idea. That doesn’t mean i want to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. I have arch support issues.
To remove this masculine stigma from my psyche, i’ve made some personal goals. Some of which i have previously mentioned. Occasionally engaging in the following: pampering myself with girly stuff, dressing nicely, wearing fun makeup, stop buying MEN’S HOODIES (i have an addiction. really.), and lose weight so that my forearms look less like this:
I WILL say that think i have done remarkably well at keeping my legs shaved these past months. That’s usually the first thing to go after a breakup. But i persevered. My hope is that, when i’m all emotionally healed up and feeling pretty again, i will gain back the remainder of my femininity. Soooooo, when will i be emotionally healed up???
Charlotte: It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them.
Carrie: I always like a good math solution to any love problem.
I don’t usually get my advice from Sex and the City. Usually. However, i was pleasantly relieved when i looked up this quote and found that i still have 3 months to go. I had mentally convinced myself that Charlotte stated you had ONE THIRD the length of the relationship. I was really beginning to fear that i was NOT going to have my shit together in 2 weeks. Ah, off the hook. Of course, i’m not sure how that equation plays out when you’ve been friends for a decade, but i do NOT have 3.33 years to waste on this recovery process!
Perhaps if i speed up the feminine growth, everything else will follow?? I googled “how to be feminine” and stumbled upon an interesting study about how “feminine features” are linked to maternal instincts:
Initially, i found it difficult to really distinguish between the 2 photos, but, after careful analyzation, i think it makes sense.
Right now, my masculine forearms and my feminine instincts may be at odds…
…but i’m confident we’ll all be friends in the end.
(That’s what she said)