Everyone enjoys a good cry from time to time, but i’m actually NOT in a crying mood tonight. That’s why i decided it was a good time to talk about the movies that make me cry. I figured i could be more objective.

To be sure i wasn’t forgetting any biggies, i looked at several online listings of “saddest movies”…

  • The Notebook- I’ve never seen this film. I should do that before my girl rights are revoked.
  • Van Helsing- !!????
  • A Walk to Remember- This is a Sparks film i DID see. Not impressed.
  • The Green Mile- When Percy stepped on Mr Bojangles?! And then when Percy married a creepy 16 year old?! Both made me cry.
  • The Fox and the Hound- Yep. That’s sad.
  • Bambi- Never seen it. I can’t believe i STILL have not seen Bambi. It’s a shame, because i do a fantastic Flower impression. (Seriously. That’s not just a stink joke.)
  • Stepmom- ….yeah, i cried too.
  • Hope Floats- …guilty.
  • The Lake House- I can only assume they cried when they realized they had paid full price for a movie starring Keanu Reeves that didn’t involve George Carlin.
  • Lion King- Nope. Don’t like it.
  • Old Yeller- Eh.
  • Dead Poet’s Society- Oh, Robert Sean Leonard…
  • American History X- That last scene is brutal, but i also get choked up when Beverly D’angelo screams, “I’m ashamed that you came out of my body!!!”
  • Iron Giant- I AM NOT A GUN.

Psychological studies reveal that the 1979 film The Champ, starring little Ricky Schroder, evokes the most emotion from viewers. I’ve never seen it, but i usually can’t see Ricky Schroder without mentally singing the theme to Silver Spoons, so it would have to be sad enough to drown that out.

These are my TOP FIVE WEEPERS:

5- This one is a girl thing, my Huckleberry friend.

4- DAMN YOU, PIXAR. The only thing that would make this scene worse is an abused puppy.

3- I don’t know of any other film that touches on such a range of emotions. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m shocked. I’m touched. I’m angry at the guy with the @&#*ing riddles!!

2- I’ve gotten to the point where i just go ahead and begin weeping in the opening monologue and sniffle all the way through to the end. Sometimes, i even cry while Hugh Grant dances to the Pointer Sisters. But THIS is the kicker…

1- I couldn’t find a clip of this scene… which is probably all for the best, because i’d hate to cry all over my keyboard. Some movies are designed to make you cry and you finish off the film feeling refreshed… but others just hit you in the stomach with a lead pipe. I was once angry at my developmentally disabled brother for making a terrible diaper related mess alllll over his room. I put him in the tub and continued cleaning his room. I could hear that he had turned the tub faucet on and i yelled at him from the other room. I just kept yelling as i cleaned. I didn’t realize he had turned the faucet on HOT. I finally got to the bathroom to find him curled up at the back of the tub, beet red, trying to get away from the heat. I tried to pull him out of the tub, but he was as big as i was, so my hands slipped and i dropped him back into the hot water. I finally dragged him out onto the bathroom floor and just held him in my arms as i cried. ARGH… i can’t even talk about it without crying. I’m sincerely scarred for life. So when Gilbert gets home the next day to find Arnie shivering in the tub, i weep. Like, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.


Now i feel completely uneasy. I’m going to need a guilty-pleasure-feel-good clip to cancel all that out…

There’s nothing quite like making fun of someone else’s neurological disorder to ease me off to sleep.

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