predominantly moderate and rational

Well, hello there, 2013. I thought we had agreed to be friends, but you have done very little to carry out your end of the deal.

The first day of 2013 was… well… a complete F*@#ER! It was sincerely the worst day i’ve had in years. From the moment the day began, it was as if moderate and rational Carrie had been abducted in her sleep and replaced with someone who, through blubbering tears, just called the ill-working washing machine a F*@#ING WHORE.

Perhaps it was the dream…

I dreamed i moved to New York City with a friend. We had 3 cats and no litter boxes. If that weren’t bad enough, the door to our apartment opened out onto a very narrow and dangerous ledge. I tried to get into the front door with an armload of groceries, but i just ended up dropping them into the chasm. Also, Michael Richards lived next door.

…so that definitely could have been the reason. Or maybe it was the bathroom scale…

It was time to do the dreaded deed. I stepped onto that old dial scale and there is a strange and loud pop from the bottom of the scale. I move my weight to my right foot only and that spinning dial stops at “130”. I should have just jumped off that scale, thrown a party, and never looked back. Instead, i then shift all of my weight onto my left foot and the scale spins furiously and stops at “260”. Well, well, well. It seems the washing machine was not the only F*@#ING WHORE of an appliance in my home that morning. After having a stern discussion with both the scale AND my left foot (for some of you, that may be pronounced “M’LEFT FOOT”. You know who you are.), i tried once more. No luck. How do you think the year is going to go when you start it off by BREAKING THE BATHROOM SCALE? In my defense, that’s the scale i bought in 1995. Also, before you step on a scale, you should probably check underneath it for legos.

The rest of the day did little to bridge the broken relationship between 2013 and myself… although there was the thoughtful offering of flowers that had suddenly bloomed on my back porch.

By the end of the day, my heart was so heavy. I was concentrating on too many painful things. I lamented in an email to a friend. This friend said i needed a dose of perspective and then responded with an all caps “I HAVE CANCER”. Yep, those sneaky bitches with cancer always play that trump card when you least expect. …but i suppose a good, healthy dose of perspective does us all a little good.

As i climbed into bed, i picked up a book to distract my mind:

I’ve never read The Hobbit. Many years ago, a boyfriend read me the first couple of chapters. In fact, maybe TWO boyfriends tried reading me The Hobbit. However, we never made it very far into the story. About the time Bilbo leaves the Shire is usually about the time that they sense me judging their storytelling abilities. So, as with life, i’ve continued the story on my own. It only seemed natural to read it aloud and, even with my myriad of butchered dialects, it was exactly what i needed. I found, hidden in the slightly tinted pages, someone’s receipt from the year 2001. It was for…

The back of the receipt included something written in a runic alphabet….


I guess i was hoping it would say something awesome… like… maybe about me. It seems to be something nature related. Unless, of course, *I* devour birds, beasts, trees, and olorwers. Stranger things have happened. At least it wasn’t “Drink your Ovaltine”.

After tiring from Bilbo’s adventure, i fell peacefully asleep.

I woke up yesterday and bought a new digital bathroom scale. It held some happy surprises and that seemed a good way to start the day. Everything felt more moderate and rational, because i ALSO refilled my anti-depressant meds… that i stopped taking about 5 days ago when the prescription ran out… which would explain my tendency to anthropomorphise household items as ladies of ill repute. Also, it leads to a nasty lack of balance control. This is also very telling. I had no clue that the detox period on a mild dosage would be so intense. Lesson learned.

So, day two of 2013 was an improvement. I’d say it was an improvement of approximately 17%. If this continues, and if my calculations are correct (which they rarely are), I should have an AMAZING day somewhere in mid-January. Until then, i’ll just keep reading, keep looking for flowers in the rain, keep remembering that dose of perspective, and keep taking those F*@#ING WHORE meds.


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