I am 37 years old.
And i want to steal your baby.
I yo-yo back and forth between thinking i’m young and thinking i’m old. Young and old are such relative terms. When i was 20, someone who was 30 was old. I expected someone who was 30 to have their life together. They would be married, have a good job, a second kid on the way, and know the secrets to the universe. When i turned 30, i was in for a rude awakening. I had just started my job as a stage manager, but there was no man or kid in sight. In fact, i was at that place where i wasn’t sure i even wanted a family. Building a family takes trust and i had very little trust in men. And lesbians just aren’t hairy enough for me.
I’m a little more optimistic now.
But there are still PLENTY of good reasons to NOT have a family…
TOP 10 REASONS I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A BABY:
- They cost a lot of money. I don’t have a lot of money.
- They tie you down. I like living here, but what if i decide to join a gypsy circus of weirdos, like, the Ren Faire.
- Those moments when they stink.
- The dancing Ally McBeal baby is really scary.
- My vagina begged me not to.
- Eventually, they are going to turn into a 9 year old.
- Babies are the cause of 12% of divorces. At least, that’s what the kid’s asshole parents are saying.
- Having children increases your carbon footprint about 7x’s. It’s just environmentally irresponsible.
- Living with a disabled brother, i think i’ve already filled my quota for changing diapers.
- Everyone wants to tell you how to do EVERYTHING. Everyone you meet is suddenly an expert parent and you are making terrible mistakes.
I don’t think i need to have a child to feel fulfilled. They say that women who crave children the most are those who are often emotionally damaged and feel it is their only way to receive unconditional love. Oddly enough, i don’t think i have that kind of void. Really, if i could find a husband with 9 siblings and 23 nieces and nephews, that would be more than enough. However…
TOP 10 REASONS I DO WANT TO HAVE A BABY:
- I bet my baby would have red hair. That’s just cute.
- Those moments when they smell like the sweetest thing you’ve ever experienced.
- Parking in those “Expectant Mother” parking spaces. It’s one step down from being lucky enough to be handicapped.
- It really makes no sense to have all this boob with no purpose.
- I already have years of experience at changing diapers, cleaning up after messy meals, and being woken at all hours by screaming.
- I’ve spent my entire life mothering everyone around me, so i’m in great practice.
- Having a cute little version of me to dress up on Easter Sunday.
- That unexplainable feeling you get when a baby looks at you and smiles… and knowing, deep down, that you’re their favorite person ever.
I don’t think i’m baby cRaZy. I don’t think my biological clock has set off the alarm quite yet. I know plenty of women my age and older who are just now starting families. I don’t think i’m about to start hitting up sperm banks or filling out a donor wish list… although that does sound like a fun way to spend the afternoon, for sure! But, who knows, in a few years, i may change my mind. Maybe i’ll find someone who would make a great father and force him to tolerate me. Or maybe i’ll be struck with a sudden independence. If i ever decide to do something crazy like have a kid on my own, i should go ahead and thank you all right now, because your tax dollars will probably be feeding me and that kid…. THIS kid… this kid will starve if you don’t pay your taxes, people!