I haven’t written in a month. Here’s why.
My last blog laid out the facts about my brother’s cancer and what i thought would be the coming weeks, maybe even months. But just one week after that post, i kissed my brothers forehead and told him i loved him as i felt the last breath leave his body. There are so many things i should say about that. There are so many things i NEED to say about that. I just can’t gather the thoughts yet. But how can i possibly write about anything OTHER than that?!
I am reminded that a few brilliant minds gave me some great advice: There is no timeline. There is no playbook. You do what works for YOU. Therefore, this particular blog won’t be about that great loss, but rather everything else.
I had a great November. November was awesome. It was so awesome that it completely cancelled out that whole “turning a year older” thing that should have issued a crippling sting to my esteem. But it was all downhill from there. December brought an increasing and constant feeling of loneliness. I can come up with dozens of reasons for why this is… but i’m going to pretend like it is all due to seasonal affective disorder. I mean, i don’t HAVE that, but i still find it to be a fairly relevant point.
It’s morose, i know, but EMPTY is the adjective that best described my January. If i were a computer, i’d have been “not responding”. If i were Siri, it’d be “Uh oh, there is a problem. Can you try again?”. If i were a 15 year old girl, this would have been my Facebook profile pic:
And i’d probably have written poems like this:
scratching through the flesh
to find the pain
i understand your suffering need
to cut my heart
and use it’s blood to mix a gothic cocktail
Thank GOD there was no Facebook when i was 15.
That period was followed by ups and downs, but has now improved. Even with legitimate reasons to be a wreck, i’m still doing pretty well. I’ve been really social lately. Like, frighteningly so. I’ve even been hanging out with several new men. Did you hear what i said? MEN. That’s weird for me. I usually don’t randomly begin hanging out with people.
I became very disillusioned recently by the whole “dating” thing. I’m not suited for it at all. I was going out with this guy who did a great deal of talking about getting married and having kids. While that’s all GREAT and that’s a priority for me, no one wants to wake up next to THIS GUY:
In an effort to avoid any mistakes, i maintained a nice, respectable distance. But then i thought, “Am i crazy?! This guys seems pretty legit and actually wanting to build relationships. I might just put some serious thought into this!” So i started to close in that nice, respectable distance. And a month or so later…
::insert this guy saying some stuff::
“Oh…… oh, wait. Soooo, you’re sleeping with other women too? Oh, but you’d like to continue seeing me and keep on pursuing things in the direction they are going? So, what you’re saying here is that you’d like to continue sleeping with various women until you pick one?”
Now, i might be new to the “dating scene”, but… no. I’d have to have some pretty low self esteem to think that’s acceptable.
I don’t know much, but apparently i do know how to build longterm relationships and i can assure you that this is not it. No one in that scenario actually wins. It sucks, because i genuinely like this guy a lot.
Back to the drawing board.
The good thing about online dating sites is that they provide hours of entertainment. Other than that, they’re not doing much for me. However, i did run across a guy i went to high school with. Let’s call him Phil. Because that’s his name. He used to ride my bus and ridiculed me for my weight. I’m so sorry that his view on that bus had to include my grotesque adolescent 130 lb frame. Oh, the humanity. Times do change. Judging by his beer gut and 3 tragically obese children (who i hesitate to even mention, for fear of sounding unkind, but i feel the imagined visual of his ex-wife is fairly important here), i can now confidently say that i am probably out of his league. I don’t know that i’ve ever been able to say that before… but, in this particular situation, it feels nice. Really. Really. Nice.
So, since i obviously need to try a new route, here’s the book you can buy me:
And, if you’re feeling generous, this:
And at that point, i’ll also be needing these:
Thank you for your time.