less than

I cried on the way to work the other day. But for completely selfish reasons. I find that MOST of the crying in my life comes from a place of selfishness. Usually, in one way or another, it comes from damaged pride.

Today marks 1 month since my brother passed.

That’s such a weird term: PASSED.

“Today marks 1 month since my brother passed his midterm exam.”

“Today marks  1 month since my brother passed that kidney stone.”

“Today marks 1 month since my brother passed… away.”

It’s still tough to say. I’ll say something in passing and use it as a reference in time for recent events and i’ll get a lump in my throat as the last few words of the sentence leave my lips. It feels both as though it happened years ago, yet only a moment ago.

But the tears i experienced on that drive to work, although related to Nathan, were purely self pity.

When i say that Nathan is the ‘best part about me’, i don’t mean that in some existential-sibling-joint-consciousness way. What i mean is that i was my best self around Nathan. When i was with my brother, i was proud of the person i was. And i was proud of what others could see. It was the only time i was really confident in who i was. From this moment on, no one will ever know that side of me. I don’t tend to be the most emotionally expressive person, nor the most well-equipped for life, but when i was with Nathan… i was. No one new in my life will ever see that side of me. No one will ever see just how much love i’m capable of feeling. No one will ever see how patient i can be. No one will ever see what a good mother i would be. No one will ever see just how unaffected i am by being peed on. (Which, by the way, is not a good tidbit to include in an online dating profile. I caught that potentially tragic error just in the nick of time.)

It’s like i need Nathan to prove my worthiness as a human being. What can i possibly do to fill that void? If no one wanted to love me at my best, how could anyone possibly love me NOW? What if i never feel that way again? What if i’m never confident in who i am ever again? What changes can i make in my life that will allow me to be that person once more? I don’t know.

I just feel so very less than Carrie right now.


3 responses

  1. To let that part of you die with Nathan is a disservice to him. The best of you is still there underneath the pain and grief. You may not know how to show it now (and it will be a while before you can get back to it), but that doesn’t mean that side of you will remain unknown.

    Your tears are not selfish. They’re human and hurt and loving all at once.

  2. Carrie,I don’t know what you think about this, but I had a near death experience when I was seventeen and I can say this ….Nathan really is with you now more than in his earthly life.So,feel free to be YOU! He is with you! Just breath him in!

  3. There are always people in this world who need the kind of love you had for Nathan. I pray you will find a connection with someone who you will be able to share that side of yourself. Whether it’s a soulmate, or a child who needs a great mom.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: