talkin’ bout deep stuff

Check out the new template! I’m still searching for just the right one, because the old theme had too many glitches. It refused to accept the very necessary exclamation point in my name. Oftentimes, it would try to post every sentence as it’s own paragraph. I always felt as though it was trying to make a statement about my ability to stay on topic.

I like cheese.

So this post is really just an excuse to test drive the look while it still has that new blog smell. I scrolled through the dozens of half-finished drafts and, even though this is a mere portion of a thought, it bears relevance to some recent events in my life. I began an entry over a year ago about the hot topic of gay marriage, or really just marriage in general. I’m warning you heathens now… it talks about God… and the Bible… and a Walrus (indirectly).

The beginning of Genesis, whether literal or allegorical, is about the beginning of mankind. It is about creation and procreation, but we have certainly advanced the concept of marriage to realize that the bond is not about simply popping out babies. Being unmarried once labeled you a perv and a drain on society. And then in the New Testament, Paul tries to shift that understanding and says that you should only get married if you can’t keep it in your pants. Obviously, even within scripture, the idea of marriage was changing. In my opinion, this is not because GOD’S plan for marriage changed, but because our understanding of it changed…. as it will continue to do…. forever… and ever… and ever. That’s how learning and understanding scripture works. I respect the belief that the Bible is the final authority, but even things that are obvious to us now, were not so obvious to Christians a thousand years ago… or even 50 years ago, because their cultural understanding wasn’t the same. I don’t think man is changing marriage. I think man is trying to discover what it truly is. My belief is not that the Bible itself is subjective, but that our understanding of it is. When you read Alice in Wonderland at age 10, it has a completely different meaning than when you read it now. The text isn’t different, but YOU ARE. Your understanding of life reveals different meanings in the text. If this were not true, there would be no point in continuing to read and study the Bible. If you’d read the stories once, you’d have all the answers. Nothing could be further from the truth. I see stories differently now than i did in Sunday school when i was 10. That’s how it’s supposed to be. If we aren’t willing to give up the folly of our youth, how can we ever hope to grow? We may come to God with the faith of a child, but i don’t think He has any intention of stunting our growth.

unsuitable

I haven’t written in a month. Here’s why.

My last blog laid out the facts about my brother’s cancer and what i thought would be the coming weeks, maybe even months. But just one week after that post, i kissed my brothers forehead and told him i loved him as i felt the last breath leave his body. There are so many things i should say about that. There are so many things i NEED to say about that. I just can’t gather the thoughts yet. But how can i possibly write about anything OTHER than that?!

I am reminded that a few brilliant minds gave me some great advice: There is no timeline. There is no playbook. You do what works for YOU. Therefore, this particular blog won’t be about that great loss, but rather everything else.

I had a great November. November was awesome. It was so awesome that it completely cancelled out that whole “turning a year older” thing that should have issued a crippling sting to my esteem. But it was all downhill from there. December brought an increasing and constant feeling of loneliness. I can come up with dozens of reasons for why this is… but i’m going to pretend like it is all due to seasonal affective disorder. I mean, i don’t HAVE that, but i still find it to be a fairly relevant point.

It’s morose, i know, but EMPTY is the adjective that best described my January. If i were a computer, i’d have been “not responding”. If i were Siri, it’d be “Uh oh, there is a problem.  Can you try again?”. If i were a 15 year old girl, this would have been my Facebook profile pic:

And i’d probably have written poems like this:

scratching through the flesh

to find the pain

i understand your suffering need

to cut my heart

and use it’s blood to mix a gothic cocktail

Thank GOD there was no Facebook when i was 15.

That period was followed by ups and downs, but has now improved. Even with legitimate reasons to be a wreck, i’m still doing pretty well. I’ve been really social lately. Like, frighteningly so. I’ve even been hanging out with several new men. Did you hear what i said? MEN. That’s weird for me. I usually don’t randomly begin hanging out with people.

I became very disillusioned recently by the whole “dating” thing. I’m not suited for it at all. I was going out with this guy who did a great deal of talking about getting married and having kids. While that’s all GREAT and that’s a priority for me, no one wants to wake up next to THIS GUY:

In an effort to avoid any mistakes, i maintained a nice, respectable distance. But then i thought, “Am i crazy?! This guys seems pretty legit and actually wanting to build relationships. I might just put some serious thought into this!” So i started to close in that nice, respectable distance. And a month or so later…

::insert this guy saying some stuff::

“Oh…… oh, wait. Soooo, you’re sleeping with other women too? Oh, but you’d like to continue seeing me and keep on pursuing things in the direction they are going? So, what you’re saying here is that you’d like to continue sleeping with various women until you pick one?”

Now, i might be new to the “dating scene”, but… no. I’d have to have some pretty low self esteem to think that’s acceptable.

I don’t know much, but apparently i do know how to build longterm relationships and i can assure you that this is not it. No one in that scenario actually wins. It sucks, because i genuinely like this guy a lot.

Oh,well.

Back to the drawing board.

The good thing about online dating sites is that they provide hours of entertainment. Other than that, they’re not doing much for me. However, i did run across a guy i went to high school with. Let’s call him Phil. Because that’s his name. He used to ride my bus and ridiculed me for my weight. I’m so sorry that his view on that bus had to include my grotesque adolescent 130 lb frame. Oh, the humanity. Times do change. Judging by his beer gut and 3 tragically obese children (who i hesitate to even mention, for fear of sounding unkind, but i feel the imagined visual of his ex-wife is fairly important here), i can now confidently say that i am probably out of his league. I don’t know that i’ve ever been able to say that before… but, in this particular situation, it feels nice. Really. Really. Nice.

So, since i obviously need to try a new route, here’s the book you can buy me:

And, if you’re feeling generous, this:

And at that point, i’ll also be needing these:

Thank you for your time.

existing

Last night i said the words for the first time…

So…. my brother is dying.

By far the toughest words to ever leave my lips. It beat out the time i had to say…

That community theatre performance of Annie Get Your Gun, starring a 60 year old Annie, was fabulous ! And we totally DON’T call it Granny Get Your Gun when you’re not listening!

How can i make jokes at a time like THIS, right? I don’t know. I guess i just don’t cope like a normal serious person, but when i said those words, i was met with a moment of clear reality. I’ve know for 2 days now and most of that time has been filled with a numbness that is surely a part of the shock. I have moments of intense breakdowns, but they only last mere seconds and then pass. But those words passing from my lips opened up a gateway of negative thoughts. I started thinking about EVERYTHING negative. I suppose misery does love company. I dug up some high school bully trauma, i feared the loss of my work ethic, and, most notably, i lamented the loss of affections from a certain gentleman… like i didn’t have life and death matters to attend to and could afford to be a whiny 15 year old girl.

Tonight is my first night staying here at the hospital with Nathan. I’m writing most of this blog with one hand so that i can hold Nathan’s hand with my other. One handed typing is tough. I don’t know how you men do it. It’s oddly comforting to actually be present with Nathan. I would think that i would be traumatized by all the tubes and ports that they placed in his body, but the need to be strong for his sake overrides all other emotions. Here’s the skinny… Nathan has adenocarcinoma all through his body. It’s an aggressive cancer (as opposed to the ones that knock before entering) and rarely spreads this extensively, especially in the body of someone so young. Even if chemo COULD help it at this stage, Nathan is now too weak to handle something like that. Our goal is to get his lungs cleared up from the pneumonia that landed him here in the FIRST place, so that we can back off the oxygen level he needs, and take him home. From there, Hospice would get involved and we would celebrate the time we have left with Muppets and potato salad. OH! The good news is that today Nathan had food via the mouth for the first time in weeks. Giving him control over his own food intake is really important. Hopefully, we can get him off the feeding tube before he heads home. But, right now, he’s still having too many oxygen issues. I can talk about it now because, well, i’m still in shock.

My brother is THE most important person in my life. No contest. But i think that subject deserves a blog all of it’s own.

Every time i begin typing with both hands, he reaches out for me. No time for heartbreak tonight. I’ll save that for another day.

Image

narcissistic

Remember that one time when Facebook was all about posting “20 THINGS ABOUT ME”?? yeah. I liked that. I think that makes me a narcissist.

20 THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT ME

1. I’ve kept a plant alive for 5 years. That’s a record for me.

IMAG0627

…but it is currently having a few issues…

2. I have 2 piercings in my left ear only because, when i was in middle school, my mom found 1 diamond earring and i thought it was a shame to let a real diamond go to waste. Then i lost it.

3. I don’t want a diamond ever again. Lots of reasons, both economical and environmental.  All of you who are planning proposals should make note. I’ll take one of these instead:

https://i0.wp.com/img.ehowcdn.com/article-new/ehow/images/a04/h7/hv/meaning-claddagh-ring-800x800.jpg

4. I could watch The Italian Job over and over and over.

Weird, i know.

4. I think my attraction to a man’s hands is the reason i seldom hold hands with people i don’t know well.

5. Also, i have hot, clammy palms. Always.

6. When i watch the news, i cry genuine tears. Therefore, i don’t watch the news.

7. For my 8th birthday, i received a Kodak instant camera. That same year, Polaroid sued and Kodak stopped producing the camera… and the film.

8. I just wrote a song that rhymes “shiitake” with “bukkake”.

9. I once had cookies and milk with Neil Young’s son.

10. As a child, i had dreams of inventing a machine that would turn Barbie clothes into life sized outfits.

11. When Marshall and Lily broke off their engagement, i was sincerely heartbroken. When Xander left Anya at the altar, i was sincerely heartbroken.

12. I have a longstanding crush on George Burns.

13. I am also genuinely heartbroken that the Verizon guy is gay.

https://carrieissovery.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/verizonguy.png?w=276

14. I enjoy the smell of skunk.

14. I was a virgin until i was 26 years old. Some people think that’s weird, but i like that about me.

15. In the midst of a conversation, i just sent my best friend this message: “Well, i personally find the sunglasses much worse than the hairy ass. But, all in all, it’s just a disaster of photographic proportions.” Yep. We’re classy dames.

16. When the mini-series North and South first aired in 1985, i would go to sleep each night imagining myself living the life of Irish beauty  Constance Hazzard.

17. I’m neither for nor against spanking children. I suppose some need it and some don’t. I know that i personally only got spanked for bad grades and THAT was RIDICULOUS.  Didn’t help one bit.

18. The words i always misspell: scenario, occasion, vacuum, accidentally, and misspell.

19. When i was in high school, i frequently spent the night with a friend who would fall asleep listening to Pauly Shore’s stand up. I swear the word “BEAVER” haunted me in my dreams for years.

20. There are only 19 interesting things about me.

jealous

I’m feeling like a lazy blogger tonight. Instead of writing something pointless, let’s just all look at the women whose stunning beauty leaves me jealous.

Dita Von Teese…

Dita Von Teese

 

Bernie Dexter…

 

Diane Lane…

Diane Lane: Oscars 2003

…but i’ve wanted to be her since…

 

These chicks…

drop dead gorgeous

she bring's all the boys to the yard

 

And of course my current fascination with the beauty and spirit and WARDROBE of Elsa Bilgren…

Ok. That’s all. Go on about your business.

My brother is sick. I HATE IT when he’s sick. If you’re new to this blog, you can learn important info about Nathan HERE.

This next paragraph is for those who want to know the details of Nathan’s situation. If you’re a heartless bastard, you can skip it. But i warn you… I’m watching.

After discovering an infection in his pelvis due to some previous undiagnosed break, they find a mass of unidentified tissue growing around it. The bloodwork doesn’t show any sign of anything cancerous, but a biopsy is still the safest bet. On wednesday, they sedated him for a biopsy and everything seemed to go great… until later that day, when he began vomiting, would not stop coughing, and began to run a high fever. My parents rushed him to the ER and find out that he also has pneumonia. This kid can NOT catch a BREAK here! The kept him over night to pump him full of antibiotics, but by morning, his breathing was shallow and his oxygen level was dangerously low. No one ever tells me just how bad a situation is until it’s over, but apparently they pulled in every available doctor before taking the next step. He is currently heavily sedated and intubated. His vitals are all improving, but they will keep him this way for a day or 2 in order for him to get rest and receive plenty of fluid while his lungs heal.

When i arrived at the hospital today, i knew that seeing him lying there with a body full of tubes would be difficult. My mother escorted me from the lobby to the ICU and, as i turned that corner to his room, a cold chill ran through my body. That first glance of him was tough. I looked down for a moment and silently gave myself a peptalk. “Don’t be a sissy, Carrie. Everything is ok. Everything is getting better.” I moved by his bedside, which made him look like he was part of a very intricate Transformer, and spoke to him for a moment until the nurse came in to take some blood.

My grandparents were still there visiting as well. Technically, that means there were now 4 visitors in the room at one time. The rules say 2. We are rebels.

This is how the conversation goes:

Papaw: I rode by your house yesterday. I thought you might be outside raking all those leaves, but i didn’t see you anywhere.

Me: I know nothing about keeping up a yard, but i’ll have to learn! I guess raking leaves is my new form of exercise.

Papaw: yeah (pause) So, do you actually get any exercise? (subtle)

Me: I do. I have a treadmill, actually.

Papaw: Do you use it, or just use it for furniture?

Me: (awkward laugh) Well, i guess a little bit of both, but i’ve been doing really well over the past couple of months.

Papaw: Have you lost any weight yet?

Me: I have. In fact, as of this morning, i’ve lost 17lbs.

(My grandmother begins eyeing me suspiciously, as though trying to figure out what part of me could possibly have lost weight. When her glare settles in on my feet, i can’t decide if she is looking for a difference in my cankles, or judging the paint splatters on my Nikes.)

Papaw: That’s good. That’s real good. You need to lose it now. You know, i’ll be 85 next month and you don’t want to be that big when you’re 85. Your joints will give out holding up all that weight.

Me: Yep. Probably. (must… change… subject…) I guess our Sunday lunch is postponed while Nathan is sick.

Papaw: You’re just always thinking about food. Heeheehee. (<—that’s really his genuine laugh.)

Mamaw: Yes. I was hoping you would join us last time, but your mother said you were on a date. (oh… great.)

Me: Oh, yeah. Next time!

Mamaw: You got you a boyfriend?

Me: Oh, no. I don’t.

Mamaw: Why not? (SERIOUSLY, MAMAW?! SERIOUSLY?!)

Me: (..oh, where should i start…)  Ha, well, i guess it’s just not meant to be.

Mamaw: Well, if you’re losing that weight, you’ll be able to keep you a boyfriend.

Aaaaaaaaaand SCENE.

I’d like to say this were the first time this conversation had ever taken place, but that would be a lie. This is merely the first time that i thought, “oh crap, i need to make note of this terrible conversation so that i can blog about it!”  That’s the best thing about blogging. It allows you to separate yourself from reality and become the narrator. A very bitter narrator.

When the visit was nearly over, Nathan opened his eyes for just a moment as the nurse turned him onto his other side. I took that moment to say goodbye. I felt bad as i said “goodbye”, because i feel like that’s a word he most definitely recognizes and now all he knows is that someone is leaving him. I made half of an attempt to lean in and give him a kiss on the head, but DANG that bed is TALL. Next time, i’ll bring my portable stepstool.

ADHD

Ok, so i’m not ACTUALLY ADHD. Well… i dunno, i might be. But there is no official diagnosis, so i’m really just using it as a descriptor for my current train of thought, which has been hijacked by bandits and veering steadily toward that damsel in distress.

In short, i don’t have anything worthwhile to say, but i just feel that need to share. It’s after midnight and i’m a little lonely. It happens.

Also, i may have had some wine.

Having just recently moved into a house, there were a few very vital pieces i was missing. One of those was a stove. For the past 2 months, this is the arrangement i’ve been working with…

 

IMG_4441[1]

Classy stuff, right? Today, i bought a stove. And now i’m poor. Behold…

IMAG0589

Yep. So now i can invite you all over for dinner. Judging by my wallet, it will probably be Ramen.

Do you watch the show Parenthood? DON’T. It’s just a cruel trick to make you cry.

I really do like Michelle Obama’s bangs.

Did you know that 90% of the people who have herpes don’t know they have it?

Also, i don’t know how you can mathematically calculate that unless YOU know they have herpes, but you’re keeping it a secret. That’s pretty sneaky.

I’ve lost almost 15 lbs recently. But i’ve been gaining and losing the same 20 lbs for nearly a decade now, so don’t throw a party yet. When i hit that 25th lb, i will, however, expect a parade in my honor. That means one of you should start learning to ride a unicycle.

IMG_4251[1]

I have a nice lip print.

Months ago, i opened a bottle of Honest Tea and found this quote:

IMG_4175[1]

It is now stuck to my computer monitor as means of inspiration. It just makes me smile. My 6-word memoir is “I WILL WASH THE DISHES LATER.”

IMG_4440[1]

 

 

 

cliché

I am 37 years old.

And i want to steal your baby.

I yo-yo back and forth between thinking i’m young and thinking i’m old. Young and old are such relative terms. When i was 20, someone who was 30 was old. I expected someone who was 30 to have their life together. They would be married, have a good job, a second kid on the way, and know the secrets to the universe. When i turned 30, i was in for a rude awakening. I had just started my job as a stage manager, but there was no man or kid in sight. In fact, i was at that place where i wasn’t sure i even wanted a family. Building a family takes trust and i had very little trust in men. And lesbians just aren’t hairy enough for me.

I’m a little more optimistic now.

But there are still PLENTY of good reasons to NOT have a family…

TOP 10 REASONS I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A BABY:

  1. They cost a lot of money. I don’t have a lot of money.
  2. They tie you down. I like living here, but what if i decide to join a gypsy circus of weirdos, like, the Ren Faire.
  3. Those moments when they stink.
  4. The dancing Ally McBeal baby is really scary.
  5. My vagina begged me not to.
  6. Eventually, they are going to turn into a 9 year old.
  7. Babies are the cause of 12% of divorces. At least, that’s what the kid’s asshole parents are saying.
  8. Having children increases your carbon footprint about 7x’s. It’s just environmentally irresponsible.
  9. Living with a disabled brother, i think i’ve already filled my quota for changing diapers.
  10. Everyone wants to tell you how to do EVERYTHING. Everyone you meet is suddenly an expert parent and you are making terrible mistakes.

I don’t think i need to have a child to feel fulfilled. They say that women who crave children the most are those who are often emotionally damaged and feel it is their only way to receive unconditional love. Oddly enough, i don’t think i have that kind of void. Really, if i could find a husband with 9 siblings and 23 nieces and nephews, that would be more than enough. However…

TOP 10 REASONS I DO WANT TO HAVE A BABY:

  1. I bet my baby would have red hair. That’s just cute.
  2. Pinterest.
  3. Those moments when they smell like the sweetest thing you’ve ever experienced.
  4. Parking in those “Expectant Mother” parking spaces. It’s one step down from being lucky enough to be handicapped.
  5. It really makes no sense to have all this boob with no purpose.
  6. https://i0.wp.com/www.thefunnyblog.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/cute-funny-baby-Halloween-costume-superman-funny.jpg
  7. I already have years of experience at changing diapers, cleaning up after messy meals, and being woken at all hours by screaming.
  8. I’ve spent my entire life mothering everyone around me, so i’m in great practice.
  9. Having a cute little version of me to dress up on Easter Sunday.
  10. That unexplainable feeling you get when a baby looks at you and smiles… and knowing, deep down, that you’re their favorite person ever.

*sigh*

I don’t think i’m baby cRaZy. I don’t think my biological clock has set off the alarm quite yet. I know plenty of women my age and older who are just now starting families. I don’t think i’m about to start hitting up sperm banks or filling out a donor wish list… although that does sound like a fun way to spend the afternoon, for sure! But, who knows, in a few years, i may change my mind. Maybe i’ll find someone who would make a great father and force him to tolerate me. Or maybe i’ll be struck with a sudden independence. If i ever decide to do something crazy like have a kid on my own, i should go ahead and thank you all right now, because your tax dollars will probably be feeding me and that kid…. THIS kid… this kid will starve if you don’t pay your taxes, people!

ashley hunt i really hope you see this i found this and it said "baby redhead" i thought of kiptyn of course lol but how cute is this no matter the hair color =)))

predominantly moderate and rational

Well, hello there, 2013. I thought we had agreed to be friends, but you have done very little to carry out your end of the deal.

The first day of 2013 was… well… a complete F*@#ER! It was sincerely the worst day i’ve had in years. From the moment the day began, it was as if moderate and rational Carrie had been abducted in her sleep and replaced with someone who, through blubbering tears, just called the ill-working washing machine a F*@#ING WHORE.

Perhaps it was the dream…

I dreamed i moved to New York City with a friend. We had 3 cats and no litter boxes. If that weren’t bad enough, the door to our apartment opened out onto a very narrow and dangerous ledge. I tried to get into the front door with an armload of groceries, but i just ended up dropping them into the chasm. Also, Michael Richards lived next door.

…so that definitely could have been the reason. Or maybe it was the bathroom scale…

It was time to do the dreaded deed. I stepped onto that old dial scale and there is a strange and loud pop from the bottom of the scale. I move my weight to my right foot only and that spinning dial stops at “130”. I should have just jumped off that scale, thrown a party, and never looked back. Instead, i then shift all of my weight onto my left foot and the scale spins furiously and stops at “260”. Well, well, well. It seems the washing machine was not the only F*@#ING WHORE of an appliance in my home that morning. After having a stern discussion with both the scale AND my left foot (for some of you, that may be pronounced “M’LEFT FOOT”. You know who you are.), i tried once more. No luck. How do you think the year is going to go when you start it off by BREAKING THE BATHROOM SCALE? In my defense, that’s the scale i bought in 1995. Also, before you step on a scale, you should probably check underneath it for legos.

The rest of the day did little to bridge the broken relationship between 2013 and myself… although there was the thoughtful offering of flowers that had suddenly bloomed on my back porch.

By the end of the day, my heart was so heavy. I was concentrating on too many painful things. I lamented in an email to a friend. This friend said i needed a dose of perspective and then responded with an all caps “I HAVE CANCER”. Yep, those sneaky bitches with cancer always play that trump card when you least expect. …but i suppose a good, healthy dose of perspective does us all a little good.

As i climbed into bed, i picked up a book to distract my mind:

I’ve never read The Hobbit. Many years ago, a boyfriend read me the first couple of chapters. In fact, maybe TWO boyfriends tried reading me The Hobbit. However, we never made it very far into the story. About the time Bilbo leaves the Shire is usually about the time that they sense me judging their storytelling abilities. So, as with life, i’ve continued the story on my own. It only seemed natural to read it aloud and, even with my myriad of butchered dialects, it was exactly what i needed. I found, hidden in the slightly tinted pages, someone’s receipt from the year 2001. It was for…

The back of the receipt included something written in a runic alphabet….

IMAG0550

I guess i was hoping it would say something awesome… like… maybe about me. It seems to be something nature related. Unless, of course, *I* devour birds, beasts, trees, and olorwers. Stranger things have happened. At least it wasn’t “Drink your Ovaltine”.

After tiring from Bilbo’s adventure, i fell peacefully asleep.

I woke up yesterday and bought a new digital bathroom scale. It held some happy surprises and that seemed a good way to start the day. Everything felt more moderate and rational, because i ALSO refilled my anti-depressant meds… that i stopped taking about 5 days ago when the prescription ran out… which would explain my tendency to anthropomorphise household items as ladies of ill repute. Also, it leads to a nasty lack of balance control. This is also very telling. I had no clue that the detox period on a mild dosage would be so intense. Lesson learned.

So, day two of 2013 was an improvement. I’d say it was an improvement of approximately 17%. If this continues, and if my calculations are correct (which they rarely are), I should have an AMAZING day somewhere in mid-January. Until then, i’ll just keep reading, keep looking for flowers in the rain, keep remembering that dose of perspective, and keep taking those F*@#ING WHORE meds.

post-apocalyptic

As i’m sure you may have noticed by now, the world did not end. We’re still here. I’m still here. This poorly maintained blog is still here.

It’s just a fact of life that every generation thinks “the end” is near. You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both. And then you have Armageddon. The Christian community is always screaming “end days!” whenever some new immorality takes place. There is really no such thing as a “new” immorality. It’s just the same old sins dressed in updated fashions. Nothing is getting worse. The ebb and flow of suckiness is just as constantly flowing as it ever has been. And there is no place that this is more evident that within our own individual lives.

2012 has been an ebb and flow kind of year. I am indeed feeling optimistic about the coming year, but i don’t want to spoil it with unnecessary expectations, so i’m concentrating on trying to live in the moment. Now, this whole ‘living in the moment’ is not something at which i excel. I’m a worrier, a thinker, and a planner. I’m always trying to make the best decisions and punishing myself accordingly each time i inevitably fail. Enough of that. I’m attempting to take things one day at a time, just like Bonnie Franklin. It’s not easy, but i’ve already begun making careless decisions lately, just to get in the habit…. and i’m about to have a panic attack over here just thinking about it.

So my New Year’s resolutions will short and sweet:

#1- Minimize the self hate.

self hate spiralThat is indeed the cycle.

This is the biggie. It’s time to stop accepting the degradation that some others have placed upon me and begin to realize that i’m worth creating a better life for myself. I can’t tell you how many times i’ve failed at the “lose weight” resolution, but i’ve realized that it’s an issue of believing that i’m worth creating that healthier lifestyle. I’ve seen many friends successfully change their lives this year by losing weight. I don’t think they are any more equipped for the challenge that i am, but they do have a self-esteem that i lack. I’m hoping those good vibes will rub off on me.

#2- Get a man who eats the dark meat.

That’s not a weird euphemism. I promise. I just realized that i’m wasting a lot of money on these rotisserie chickens, considering i only eat white meat. I don’t expect anything fancy, or showstopping, and i don’t have unrealistic expectation, but it only seems logical that i have a man to split my chicken. …..Again, not a euphemism.

#3- Steal this kid.

mine

Seriously, you guys. She’s freakin’ cute. And i just can’t imagine that i’m going to be anyone’s first choice for breeding, so i’m making kidnapping arrangement. Although i prefer the term ‘surprise adoption’. I think she resembles me enough that no one would suspect a thing.

me bible people

#4- Avoid grooming products that look like sex toys.

curling iron

…and vice-versa, just to be safe.

#5- Find the balance between financial insecurity and guilt.

This is the other big one for me. I should probably dedicate an entire blog to this issue in order to explain the insanity that is my brain. But, in short, i need to do more for others. And i should stop buying those fancy soaps. Their environmental claims do little to ease to my mind when i think of the starving foul-mouthed children who would love the chance to wash their mouths out with Mrs Myers Lemon Verbena.

#6- Embrace the crazy.

There is really no point in trying to pretend to be cool. Or pretend to have it all together. Or pretend to be anything other than a ridiculous woman who probably fulfills every one of those terrible stereotypes that women have been fighting to overcome for decades now.

#7- Care just a little bit about grammar.

Maybe.

#8- Stop taking these Facebook ads so personally:

FB ad singles dry fat watermelon boobs

As for my wish for the rest of you (and myself as well), i feel there is nothing i can say that Neil Gaiman can’t say better:

mistakes

Welcome 2013! Let’s be friends!